“So, Are You Dating Anyone?”

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Being one of the only single people left in my big, fat, Italian family, I get asked this annoying question a lot: “So, are you dating?” It used to be depressing, then it was annoying, now it is flat out hysterical. Why? Because there is literally no good answer to it. Seriously.

Think about it. If you say “no” it can go one of two ways: you either get the sad, puppy dog eyes or you get an equally infuriating answer of “why?! You’re so smart/funny/pretty/successful/good at math/etc.” Which then, makes you feel worse because YEAH, I am all these things. WHY HASN’T ANYONE NOTICED YET?

And then, if you answer yes, you’re obligated to provide all the details of this new guy (name, job, height, weight, social security number), regardless of how many dates you’ve been on. It is the worst.

So, in order to rectify the situation and exit out of the conversation with a chuckle, I’ve devised a good number of answers to this question that will confuse the asker so much, you’ll have more than enough time to make a getaway before they know what happens. So behold:

Answers to “So, are you dating anyone?!”

- No, but I am making out with plenty of men in the back seat of taxi cabs.

- Yes, but he lost his conjugal visits, so we’ve hit a rough patch.

- No, it’s been a little slow in the balloon fetish circuit lately.

- I was, but his cat kept taking up my side of the bed, so I had to end it.

- Yes, and we’re working on getting his green card now.

- I don’t consider it dating seeing as the only “dinners” we’ve had are off one another’s bodies.

- No, the language barrier was too difficult.

- Does having sex against the hand dryer in Dos Caminos count as dating?

- Yes, but only for the cocktails.

- Yes, but only because he’s paying my cell phone bill.

- No, but I met this adorable 65-year-old man who offered to buy me an iPad and has a gorgeous penthouse on the Upper East Side I could inherit if I just stick it out for a few years.

- Well I’m working on trying to make the jump from the guy I’m currently dating to his roommate, but it’s proving to be difficult.

- No, but I’m getting a lot of free dinners lately.

- No, not until my test results come back.

- Yes, but I might have to end it because he follows Ann Coulter on Twitter.

- I was, until I realized whose panties those were under his pillow.

- No, but I’m not interested in anyone you have to set me up with.

- Yes, but I’m only able to enjoy it when I’m drunk.

- No, I’m just enjoying my twenties right now. (CRAZY, RIGHT?!)

How do you give someone the brush-off?

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8 thoughts on ““So, Are You Dating Anyone?”

  1. BAHAHA. I love this. Clearly, our big Italian families must be awfully alike, because this is pretty much every family party for me (and every other single cousin I have!). p.s. Are you actually good at math? Because I’m jealous if so–I suck.

  2. haha hilarious! It’s funny because this rarely happens to guys, but always happens to girls. When my brother and boyfriend were single, no one ever asked, but it’s the opposite for girls (like their sisters, cousins, etc.) I think coming back with a witty, sarcastic line is WAY better than giving an honest answer sometimes!

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